Weiss and the big Switcharoo
by Vashess
Summary: Nagi getting attacked by squirrels? Farfello crying in pain? Yohji with telekinesis? How will the assasins deal when Weiss magically acquires Schwartz's power? R+R!
1. Default Chapter

Introductory chapter read and review. Thank you for actually reading this far. Hehehhe. My paperclip on my Microsoft word just told me not to dive in to murky waters. You shouldn't either.  
  
Chapter One: WTF?!  
  
Omi, Ken, Yohji, and Aya all had just returned from another "intense" fight with their rivals, Schwartz.  
  
"God, why do we suck so much?" Asked Ken; angry at how they had lost badly. Really *really* badly.  
  
"Why god, WHY?!" Omi began to cry. "Father why didn't you save me. Save me *damnit*!"  
  
Everyone ignored him; it was just a normal Omi spazism. They didn't last too long and if they did Yohji would simply take out his wire and choke Omi till he passed out. That usually solved the problem.  
  
"They are cheating!" Yohji said, smoking. "They use those stupid little powers of theirs. Spiffy powers they got, no?"  
  
"Yea." All of Weiss nodded monotonously.  
  
"Yea, especially the one who can do that cool little thing where he raises his arm and FaThEr! YoU DidN't SaVe ME!" Omi fell down and started to convulse on the couch.  
  
All of Weiss looked unsure. "Umm, guys? Are we sure Omi doesn't have terets or epilepsy? He randomly convulses and screams a lot.."  
  
"That's true." Aya murmured.  
  
"Why do we even fight them anymore? My spiffy claw just doesn't work as well anymore. Maybe I'm getting old or something."  
  
"Well we do have one thing over them." Aya said happily.  
  
"That is...?"  
  
"We have our poises." Out of nowhere all of sudden they lined up and made dramatic poises. "Weiss!"  
  
They stayed that way for a while till Omi woke up and began to whine.  
  
"You did the 'Weiss' poise without me! I was the one who choreographed it! You ingrates!" "Ah shut up. Don't you have some odd family tyrant to scream?" Aya asked.  
  
"Hmmm.Oh yea! I killed my own brothers! My *own* brothers!" He cried then ran out to his room.  
  
An awkward silence filled the room.  
  
"Well anyway, back to the subject. We should really surrender soon, I mean we could get killed!" Ken pulled Aya up by the scruffs of his trench coat. "We could *die* man!"  
  
Aya slapped Ken. "Pull yourself together man!"  
  
"Well at least none of them have my trademark cigarettes and promiscuous ways!" Yohji said, proud of himself.  
  
"Yohji, I don't think that's a good thing."  
  
"We could kick so much ass if we had supernatural powers. Maybe if we pray to Gackt, we can get some powers."  
  
They all got down on one knee and silently prayed. They got up a minute later.  
  
"Well I'm going to sleep. Cya." Aya went upstairs, shortly followed by Ken and then Yohji.  
  
All was peaceful in the apartment (except the random shouts of "My *own* brothers!") and a spirit came down.  
  
"Well, I am not Gackt, sadly, but I'm bored. What the hell? Magic pagic twistaroo lalulalularrer take it away and give Weiss Schwartz's power!"  
  
The spirit then left while grinning. She thought that this would even the odds.  
  
Beep Beep Beep!!!  
  
Yohji's alarm clock went off.  
  
"Shut up!" He said sleepily.  
  
It didn't shut up.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Still, it did not yield.  
  
"SHUT UP!" With Yohji's frustrated scream the alarm clock miraculously picked itself up and slammed itself in to the wall. It was thrown with such force that it went through the wall, and in to Omi's bedroom.  
  
Omi woke up with a start when he smelled something like.something like blood. But he didn't feel anything.  
  
He looked down and nearly fainted. He had an alarm clock lodged in to his arm, Yohji's alarm clock. Before he went over to try and kick some genki ass he realized something.  
  
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but, when an alarm clock is lodged in your arm shouldn't that hurt?"  
  
"Yes it should Omi."  
  
"AHH Ken your voice is in my head! I'm hallucinating! AHH!" Omi then proceeded to bang his head in to the wall to try and stop the noise.  
  
"Omi stop!" Ken walked in to the room.  
  
Omi looked up, confused.  
  
"Think of your favorite movie Omi. Just think it, don't say it." Ken told Omi. He nodded his head.  
  
"You were thinking of The Lion King, right?"  
  
Omi gasped. How did Ken know? He was sure he had never mentioned it.  
  
"Omg! I am so telepathic!" Ken shrieked. "Ommigosh!" He danced around like an idiot then stopped.  
  
"Why do you have a spiffy power and I don't!" Omi whined moving his arm, angered. With the sudden movement the alarm clock fell.  
  
"Duh. You can't feel pain. Duh! I mean Yohji telekinetically threw his alarm clock at you and it was lodged in you arm. That should hurt right?" Ken said, after bowing. Omi clapped.  
  
"Yes, I know. I am the smart one." Omi looked confused but decided to drop it.  
  
"I heard that!" Ken screamed.  
  
"?"  
  
"You were thinking that I was the stupid one. Well you were wrong!" Ken laughed then walked off. He was almost at the door when he slipped on an invisible puddle.  
  
"AHH!" He fell and landed right on his rear.  
  
Aya walked in. "I foresaw that."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^_^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Nagi woke up early that morning. He was hunting for squirrels. Farfello did enjoy eating squirrel meat after all.  
  
"Here squirrely squirrely squirrely." He teased a large group of squirrels with a nut. His goal was to lead them on then with his telekinesis capture them.  
  
He was being surrounded by squirrels when he grinned and threw his hands forth. But nothing happened.  
  
"Aww crap." Nagi said as the most vicious squirrels he had ever seen engulfed him.  
  
Farfello woke up soon after.  
  
"I think I will have a morning cutting then a round of burnt squirrel meat. Yes that should hit the spot."  
  
He took out his knife, his favorite one. It was extremely sharp. He dug in to his tender skin and blood poured out.  
  
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"  
  
Crawford woke up with a start.  
  
"What?" He ran to Farfello's room where Farfello was crying and cradling his arm.  
  
"Damn you God!" He screamed and his complained about the enormous pain he was in.  
  
Crawford pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why didn't I foresee this?"  
  
Schuldig wondered what all the commotion was about. He decided to invade Crawford's thoughts to find out. But he couldn't.  
  
"What?" This wasn't the normal barrier either, he couldn't pick up anything!  
  
Schuldig sat there, realizing his power was lost. And he began to cry.  
  
Farfello was crying, Schuldig was crying, Crawford was crying, and I'm sure wherever Nagi was, he was crying too. If he was still alive.  
  
TBC  
  
That was chapter one, sad no? Review! Please or the squirrels will get you too! 


	2. Flat Tires do not hurt God, they hurt yo...

Chapter Two: Flat tires definitely don't hurt God; they hurt you  
  
All of Schwartz was driving in Crawford's pristine car. Each of them wore varying degrees of frowns and even Farfello was sitting calmly in the back with Nagi. They had all faced emotional breakdowns after the realization of their loss of power. In Nagi's case, he had a physical breakdown; then again you would have to if you were attacked by squirrels only two days earlier. Nagi only thanked his lucky stars that the squirrels disbanded after they seemed to be in argument on how they would cook Nagi. Yes, Nagi could understand squirrel language.  
  
"Farfello, I am surprised you are so unhappy. I would have thought that you would have said, "This pain hurts God." Schuldig said, trying to break the awkward silence.  
  
"I have found that it is a lot harder to hurt God when everything around you can hurt you! Today I woke up and I fell off my bed and I landed on a pencil and it poked me!" Farfello said, his eye opened wide.  
  
"Yes and.?" Nagi asked.  
  
"And it poked me.and it hurt!" Farfello said cradling his arm.  
  
"Oh. I would have for seen that but no." Crawford said, reminiscent.  
  
They were headed towards the mall for a day of non-powerful normal people. It would be.jubilant.if they survived through it.  
  
Lalala, everything was going to plan until.  
  
JORRKNENNE!!!!! The car thrusted forward, giving each assassin bad whiplash.  
  
"Oww!" Farfello screamed, crying. He wasn't used to this feeling of.physical ailment!  
  
After two minutes of silence after their car would obviously not move Nagi braved speaking.  
  
"What the hell was that?" Nagi asked.  
  
"A car?" Farfello asked.  
  
"A large woodland creature?" Schuldig provided.  
  
"A pothole." Crawford said, ignoring all of them.  
  
"Damn! A pothole the size of Japan then! It was massive assive!" Schuldig said.  
  
"Let's go kill it!" Farfello said, happy once more. "You can't kill potholes." Crawford said oddly calm.  
  
"Oh. Then I wish it was a large woodland creature so we could mutilate it!" Farfello said, his previous pain subsiding.  
  
Honks came at them from every angle; they seemed to have forgotten that they were in the middle of the road.  
  
"There is a parking lot up there, maybe we can limp to it." Crawford said, eerily calm.  
  
Thump, Lump, Bump, SCREEEEEEEEECH. They, movement by movement, managed to get to the parking lot and park. It was if their tire was square.  
  
All four members got out of the car to examine the damage. The front wheel on the passenger's side was completely flat. There was an odd silence for a while till Crawford suddenly and uncharacteristically broke the silence.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You will live to regret this!"  
  
"God Brad, shut up. You are not Tarzan and potholes don't live." Schuldig said about he sudden outburst. "All we need is to change it."  
  
Nagi sat there, hands folded in his lap, eyes closed, and he began to laugh.  
  
"Hehehehe."  
  
They all turned to Nagi, whose eyes were crazed.  
  
"Why the hell are you laughing?"  
  
"Heheheh, and the pothole! Poof! No more tire.hhahaha!" He started laughing maniacally, sporadically saying, "Poof!" here and there.  
  
"Damn, I think he's finally lost it." Schuldig said, observing Nagi, who was now talking to himself.  
  
"Poof! Haahahhaha."  
  
"Well.Anyway. Schuldig, get up and help me with the spare tire." Crawford ordered.  
  
"Spare.tire?" Schuldig asked, as if the concept was foreign.  
  
"Yes. How did you expect to change the tire?" Crawford asked annoyed, but secretly praying that Schu could change a tire. He, Crawford, could definitely not!  
  
"I have never heard such a term! Why can't we call triple a or a gas station or something?"  
  
"Because retard," Nagi said, "You guys chose to leave for the mall so late. Most gas stations near here close at night."  
  
A silence filled the air. It looked pretty bad; they were stranded in an almost empty parking lot with a flat tire and no way of changing it. Two words perfectly summed their situation up; oh crap.  
  
Schuldig took out his cell phone and dialed the number of a gas station.  
  
"Hello?" Schuldig asked the man on the other end of the phone, who was breathing very heavily.  
  
"Halo?" The man did not seem to understand Japanese, Schuldig tried again.  
  
"Hello, we have a flat tire."  
  
"Oh. I understand." The man said in choppy Japanese. A silence filled the phone line again.  
  
"So.Can you come and change the tire?" Schuldig asked hopefully.  
  
"Oh, your tire is being flat? You need change of tire? Okay. You come here." The man said.  
  
"No you see I can't because my tire is currently flat as shit and to move it would prove to not be so wise." Schuldig answered, annoyed.  
  
"Oh. Oh, I understand. You tire is flat. Okay, well come here, we change it here." The man said again.  
  
"No! We cannot go to you because our tire is freakin FLAT!" Schuldig yelled in to the receiver. If only he had his power, he would have given this guy a headache he wouldn't forget.  
  
"Oh. You can't move. Okay."  
  
Schuldig thought that now he was finally getting the guy to understand him.  
  
"You come here."  
  
"GAHHH!" Schuldig picked up his cell phone, smashed it to the floor, and started repetitively stepping on it.  
  
"Schuldig, it isn't wise to destroy another cell phone. Cell phones don't grow on trees!" This was the fifth cell phone that had been victim to Schu's rage.  
  
*Over at the Flower Shop*  
  
"Hahah. This man called and thought we were a gas station! Har har! But I got him confused." Yohji said proudly.  
  
"Ugh, stop trying to ruin people's lives. What if that man had a flat tire or something?" Ken said approaching Yohji who was at the counter. Yohji scowled and flung a large potted plant at Ken.  
  
"Ow!" Ken fell down and Aya appeared to catch him right on time.  
  
"I foresaw that."  
  
"Shut up!" They all were tired of hearing Aya say that stupid line...  
  
*Back to Schwartz*  
  
It had been twenty minutes of lonely suffering. They didn't know what to do! Suddenly Crawford got up.  
  
"Damnit I am going to change that tire!"  
  
"That's the spirit Crawfie!" Schu said, receiving a glare.  
  
"And I need your help."  
  
"NO!" Schu attempted at running away.but he was caught in a death grip.  
  
"If you want to live you will shut up and change the freakin tire." Crawford said in an extremely creepy voice. He had Schuldig around the chest and was threatening him with his face an inch away from Schu's ear.  
  
"So what are you going to do?" He breathed.  
  
"I'll help." Schu said reluctantly.  
  
Crawford let go and the both went to the trunk. Crawford popped it open and they just stood there staring for a while. Hmmm.where was that tire?  
  
"You blocks you stones you worse than senseless things the tire is under that cover in your trunk." Nagi said, annoyed.  
  
"Oh. So it is! Good job Nagster!" Schu now used all their nicknames, he was in no fear of retaliation because no one was equipped with their spiffy power.  
  
They wheeled the tire out. And pondered some more. How were they supposed to get the tire on?  
  
*Trying with the tire*  
  
Brad: Give me the tire! *takes the tire and tries to ram it in to the car* This isn't working!  
  
Schu: You have to take that tire out first you smartass! *Takes out a wrench, which he just.found*  
  
Brad: *scratched his head* ohhhh...  
  
Schu: *Picks up the wrench and starts beating the tire maliciously* GET OUT!  
  
Nagi: *watching the progress* We are all going to die here..And if we have to stay the night I am eating one of you.  
  
Farfello: *talking to a squirrel* Why hello squirrely.Come here.that's it, just a little closer.GOT YA! *He grabs on to the suspecting squirrel, who in retaliation scratches the crap outta poor Farfiekins.* OWWWWWWW!  
  
Brad: No, you are supposed to fill the tire with air and levitate it.  
  
Schu: You do it if you are so cool! *They both proceed to fight for the tire*  
  
Brad: MINE!  
  
Schu: MINNEEE!  
  
*They both dive for the tire and under their pounce, it explodes*  
  
*Back to normal format*  
  
"Its. Its gone." Schu said, mourning the loss of their ONLY spare tire.  
  
"Poof!" Nagi started to laugh hysterically, his voice shrieking in his high insane laughter.  
  
"Umm.yea.right, poof." Crawford said, looking in shock.  
  
"Squirrel!" The explosion had managed to somehow kill the squirrel and much to Farfello's pleasure, he could stab it all he wanted. But his knife was in the car.  
  
"Crawford. Can you open the car? I need to get something." Farfello said.  
  
"Um sure." He turned to open the door but realized it was locked.  
  
"Schu, where did you put the keys?"  
  
"In the back seat why?"  
  
"WE ARE LOCKED OUT! WE WILL ALL DIE! GET EATEN BY BUGS AND BY COLD! SCHULDIG I AM EATING YOU FIRST! COME HERE!" Nagi screamed and advanced on Schu.  
  
"AH! Cannibal!" Schu ran and took cover behind Brad, who looked in complete shock.  
  
"No car.no shelter.no phone." Everyone stared at Brad and soon, he exploded. (Not literally.)  
  
"WAAAAAAAA!" He burst in to tears and broke down and collapsed to the floor. The gravel was ruining his suit but he was too sad to care.  
  
Schuldig just stood there realizing that they were stuck and he just stood there, looking as if he had just gone through cardiac arrest.  
  
Farfello got up and calmly walked to the tree. And proceeded to bang his head against it repetitively.  
  
"*Wham!* Oww! *Wham!* Oww!" And so it went on.  
  
Nagi was running around wild, screaming like a maniac.  
  
"KILL ME NOW! THIS IS CRUEL!" He was highly susceptible to bug bites and today was the one-day he had worn shorts. He itched like Hell.  
  
"God your sense of humor is cruel and twisted and sick!" Farfello gasped. "NO I didn't mean it! You don't exist you.Aww screw it!"  
  
Nagi had reached in to Crawford's suit and took the gun.  
  
"HURt ehehahahha kill!!! HAHAHAH!" He ran around like an idiot and tried to shoot the pothole that he so hated. Instead it hit a number of cars. One looked like it was turning around so Nagi shot the windshield, then ran away.  
  
Soon a car pulled up. All of Schwartz looked at the car as if it was meat and they were hungry carnivorous wildebeests.  
  
"Yo motha ******! You shot my car bitch! Now you'll pay!" The ghetto wannabe got out of the car and took out a gun. Nagi walked to him.  
  
"What are ya playing at? Come nearer and I'll pop a cap in ur ass kid!"  
  
Nagi walked on anyway.  
  
"It will take a Hell of a lot more bullets than six to stop me from killing you and stealing your car." Nagi said, suddenly sane.  
  
Crawford looked up.  
  
"There is so much truth in your words Nagi. Get him!" All of Schwartz pounced the ghetto wannabe and left him for dead, or seriously disabled. They stole his car and drove home.  
  
"Ohh. This car has spiffy cup holders!" Farfello said.  
  
"So what were we here for again?" Nagi asked.  
  
"The mall."  
  
"Well Crawford unless we are planning to blow it up I don't give a damn."  
  
"So true, let's just go home. But first, we shall pay our homage to the pothole."  
  
They drove to the pothole but did not go over it. Crawford got out and took his gun back from Nagi. He shot the pothole again and again while screaming something to the effect of "Stupid*****I'll*****get you***!"  
  
After the vengeance had been filled then went home for a nice nap. Until.  
  
!TBC! 


End file.
